My untold story – VI

I am sure a lot of different thoughts and other events relating to my disease has occurred since telling those I am closest with about my MS, but currently they remain in my mind only as in a dream like state. One day I am sure that these first few months of diagnosis and support will be those that meant the most to me. There are days when I feel like I talk about it too much to friends, and that no one really wants to hear about the emotional stresses that an unpredictable diagnosis does to one’s mind. Then there are those days when all I want to do is get all my fears out, and maybe if they are no longer trapped inside my head they won’t be able to occur. I never thought I would be in a situation where I felt so helpless (I lost control, and have no way to regain it).  Currently, my hand bothers me at times, but that isn’t what makes getting through each day so hard. It is fighting with myself that I will be fine, and I will lead the life I always dreamed of as a child.

I could wake up everyday with a dread that something unpredictable and horrible is going to happen, maybe that morning I won’t be able to walk, or talk. However, it is just as easy to wake up every morning in fear that you will be hit by a bus. At least now, when I have some unexpected pain, or inability to perform easy muscle functions, I know the cause. I still find myself mentally fighting daily over little comments someone might make that just throw me into self-pity, but like I said I am fighting. I will not allow myself to get depressed over a medical condition. If anything, I am trying to live more. Last year, My boyfriend and I planned a 7 day road trip to Colorado. Where hiking was the major option and attraction. I may not have wanted to endure such a physically demanding vacation before April 2. The chance to visit and explore Rocky Mountain National Park was amazing and absolutely breathtaking. Looking through a positive lens each day, and tackling obstacles and fears helps to remind me that I am an overall healthy 23-year old woman.

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